How We Doing, Frank?

Victor, one of the bartenders at The Membranous Lounge.

This is the sweetest setup we ever had. The following story is lead, it's cottage cheese, it's a burning sensation in your urethra. It's included in the cold, black book, LEAVES FROM THE SMORGASBORD! Available now!

FAMILY AFFAIR

Sebastian Cabot, dressed in his immaculate Mr. French wardrobe, cane in hand, strolls the summer-baked streets between Family Affair takes. It is the last season of the show and the year of the gypsy moth plague. Trees weep, stripped of leaves, hanging with gauzy cotton tents that pulse and spill with thousands of furry larval bodies. The asphalt is paisley with multihued, traffic-flattened caterpillars and Mr. Cabot studies them like a secret language only he understands.

     He stops at an intersection. His face drains. The dead caterpillars spell out a fearsome message about Anissa Jones.   

     And Sebastian Cabot weeps like the trees. 

Read More Stories Like It Right Here! 

Mourning the Lost Clamp of the Turtle's Jaw

Yet another denizen of The Membranous Lounge!

Kirton updated his Amazon page. Lame!

My roommate was swaddled in kelp,  his rushing lungs transmitting hot vaporous disease. Fissures under his eyes spelled out dead code. He was paying the price for eating too much deviled ham.. "The aroma itself is nourishing," he said, lacking a self.

Automatic in a Glittery Las Vegas Bathroom

The last time I was at the barber shop I found an old Men’s Daring magazine from the early 60’s. It was buried under the golfing magazines. I wondered what it was doing there. Inside was an article called How to Sin like Errol Flynn but I didn’t have time to read it before my haircut was ready.

Link to a Treasure

Goin' Coconuts!

He wore a bitter, taciturn expression on his eighty-two-year-old face as he reached for the fuzzy brown coconut right there in the grocery store. He brought it (the coconut) up to his ear and shook it. There was a churning liquid sound inside. He placed the coconut back among the others, picked up a second, shook it. The sound it made was low, a bass sound. There was a sticker on the hairy shell. The sticker depicted a cartoon coconut with a face. He grabbed another coconut and shook it beside his ear. The fluid inside sounded viscid and dark. There was something primordial about the sound. Coconut milk from the dawn of time. This was the one.

     When he got the coconut home he lit a Camel (he didn’t believe smoking was unhealthy and he pointed to his advanced age as proof), and opened the coconut with a hammer and chisel.

     His daughter, who had perished in 1984 due to cervical cancer was inside (in curled fetal form) and he reached for another beer and began to weep.

     Then he ate the coconut.

This picture of Lori Saunders has nothing to do with anything.

 BUY MORE COCONUTS HERE! 

Another Advertisement for that Goddamn Book with the Cyclops Baby on the Cover...

"Go ahead and grab Leaves from the Smorgasbord. You know you want it."

"Click here big boy."

This picture provided the inspiration for my story CRYSTAL SAID in Leaves from the Smorgasbord!

 

IN ALL THIS EXCITEMENT IT'S EASY TO FORGET TO BUY LEAVES FROM THE SMORGASBORD!!

DON'T LET THIS BE YOU!! CLICK RIGHT HERE!!

"My men read Leaves from the Smorgasbord or they read nothing at all."

When They Stop Taking Pictures

“When they stop taking pictures, it’s all over,” she said, lighting a Satin cigarette. She spoke with a languorous southern drawl.

     “How do you stand it? Being the center of attention all the time?”

     “How do you stand being a nobody all the time?”

     “People adore you.”

     “And I adore people, darling...”

     “It would drive me crazy. All the attention.”

     “My life is never dull.”

     “Again. That would be crazy-making for me.”

     “Oh, stop being such a child.”

     “I’m only seven!”

 


 You can buy books here!

Leaves from the Smorgasbord is now Available for Purchase

At last! Leaves from the Smorgasbord is available for purchase!



My goat ate my book

Read what the critics are implying about Leaves from the Smorgasbord!

“Reads like lard in an artery.”

                                 --Jack “Spaz” Spazmoid

“Leaves from the Smorgasbord really smokes! Crack.

                                  ₊₊Bookgoat.

“Get out your spackle and buckle up to tackle the treacle!”

                                 --Marsha Something