The List

I try to resist existential stagnation by forcing myself to do stuff. Sometimes I’m lethargic or paralyzed by ennui. Apathetic about everything. I don’t get anything done and it leads to guilt. It’s in my best interest to perform daily rituals.

So, I try to get up at dawn and make a “to-do” list every morning. The first task on the list is always, Make a to-do list. Sometimes that’s the only item that gets crossed off.  

I should be washing the dishes or doing laundry, instead I’m watching splosh videos on YouTube. A woman dumps baked beans over her head. Another woman, wearing red lingerie, sits on a birthday cake and smooshes it all to hell. Once, when I was six, I saw a girl in a pink party dress jump into a muddy, stagnant stream (she was trying to jump across). I never forgot the incident. I don’t know why it holds such power for me. I don’t like getting muddy myself.

Ah well, how’s that list coming? I need to take out the trash so I pencil that in. Most of the food I eat comes in cardboard boxes, so the trash adds up fast. I acknowledge my part in despoiling the environment and murdering cows and all that stuff and guilt of another sort assails me. I’m part of a bigger problem. I have to make an effort to reroute the direction of my thoughts. Changing the world doesn't make the list.

I want to make coffee but fear the caffeine. Stagnation is one thing but anxious stagnation is the worst. Fear and fatigue don’t mix. I make coffee anyway. It’s a task that doesn’t make the list. I’m not that shameless...

I write, “Write a blog entry” on the list. It’s cheating because I’m almost done already (see below). I get ahead of myself and cross it off the list, which now looks like this:

MAKE A TO-DO LIST

DO DISHES

DO LAUNDRY

TAKE OUT TRASH

WRITE A BLOG ENTRY

Well, I’ve made progress! I decide to do the dishes next because the other tasks entail going outside and I don’t want to go outside. Agoraphobia is a symptom of my stagnation. I’ll try to work up the courage to take out the trash later. I turn on the TV for company. The Cheyenne Show is on. Oh, it’s a good one! My coffee’s ready too AND I have one store-bought donut left. Glazed. I throw the empty box away.

Well, that’s about it. I have to go.

I have things to do.