Saturday, November 21, 2009

Weird News Item

NewsButton - Norfolk VA: ROADKILL FORTUNES - In what may prove to be an elaborate hoax, citizens of Norfolk, Virginia have been scouring through the remains of animals killed on I-264, looking for clues to their futures.

Wal-Mart cashier Victoria-Sue Beane, who was among the first to discover a written fortune secreted within the innards of a rotted possum, claims; "It said I'd drink chocolate milk on Tuesday. I didn't, but I THOUGHT about it. It's real uncanny. You can bet I'll be looking for more of them fortunes. I truly believe they were put there by God."

As a matter of public safety, Norfolk Mayor Paul D. Fraim has urged citizens to refrain from loitering on the highway and has stated that flinging small animals under moving cars is an arrestable offense, even if it may "supply answers to your destiny".

The Mayor further stated,"Sticking your hands in a decomposing raccoon, looking for lottery numbers, just ain't common sense. The people of
Virginia should know better."

But Mr Randall Fowler, an out-of-work iron smelter, disagrees. "It's an uncertain economy and folks is looking for answers. S**t, I'll dig my hands in the belly of a sun-swollen, maggot-infested woodchuck if I think I might pull out the answer to my prayers. Or if it might tell me who I really am, real down deep like..."

The fortunes appear to have been written on a manual typewriter on torn strips of yellow-lined paper.

So far, police have been unable to trace the origin of the fortunes.

"Whoever is writing these things and sticking them inside dead animals is sick," stated
Norfolk police chief Bruce P. Marquis. "And he can't spell worth a damn."

Meanwhile, police have noted an increase in both traffic and pedestrian activity on I-264.

"Until this thing is solved," said Mayor Fraim. "We're gonna have a lot more accidents on the road. And a lot more flat animals. Heck, we're all interested in the future. But frankly, I think this is just sad. Just sad..."


  1. OMFG! Is this real or did you make it up? Either way its totally GROSS!!!!!!! LOL!!!

  2. Hey, Rose. Yeah, I made it up. Thanks! Let me know how the Blue Tourniquet show was! Wish I'd been there!