My Bucket List

I. Half a year or two ago, people kept asking me what was on my “bucket list.”

II. It was irritating.

III. Did they really think I was dying?

IV. Anyway, here’s a list of questions I came up with first:

·         1. It’s none of their damn business (technically not a question but whatever).

·         2. What made them think I even had a “bucket list?”

·         3. Did they just assume it?

·         4. Why would they assume it?

·         5. Was it written all over my face or something?

·         6. Did I look that bad?

·         7. Did the term “bucket list” come from that movie The Bucket List (Warner Bros. 2007)?

·         8. Or did it already exist as a thing and that’s where the       movie got it?

·         9. Is Jack Nicholson proud of that movie?

·         10. Is Morgan Freeman?

·         11. Does everyone have such a list?

·         12. Can we trade?

·         13. If you don’t accomplish everything on your list, does that mean you failed life in some way?

·         14. Was that last question existential or metaphysical?

·         15. Both?

·         16. Just stupid?

V. So anyway, without further ado, here it is - MY BUCKET LIST:

·         1(b). Hold hands with a prostitute.

·         2(b). Meet Colleen Stan. Ask her where she gets off.

·         3(b). Get trepanned.

·         4(b). Take DMT on a roller coaster.

·         5(b). Steal the mummified corpse of Elmer McCurdy.

·         6(b). Set fire to an art museum.

·         7(b). Turn base metal into gold.

·         8(b). Greet The Honorable Greebe.

·         9(b). See The Bucket List (Warner Bros. 2007).

·         10(b). Write a bucket list. √   

VI. Pop Quiz:

·         1(c). Without looking, how many items are on my list?

·         2(c). Am I kidding? High? What?

·         3(c). Do you have a “bucket list”?

·         4(c). If you answered “yes” to #3 then U R lame.

·         5(c). Who or what is a “Greebe”?

·         6(c). Is he (or she) really honorable?

·         7(c). Or what?

·         8(c). On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate Moon River?

§  A (1). As a song. ( )

§  B (1). As a river. ( )

§  C (1). As a poultice.  ( )

·         9(c). Is this getting on your nerves yet?

·         10(c). Discuss.